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    <title>Lessons from the Sandbox</title>
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    <description>Latest local news from The Durango Herald.</description>
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        <link>https://tj.durangoherald.com/timeout-not-cop-out/</link>
        <title>Timeout, not cop-out</title>
        <description>How to pause a heated conversation without abandoning the relationship Several years ago, a commercial featured a soap opera star dressed like a physician, saying, “I’m not a doctor, but I do play one on TV.” He then went on...</description>
        <pubDate>Wed, 03 Jun 2026 11:49:01 -0600</pubDate>
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        <media:thumbnail url="https://imengine.public.prod.dur.navigacloud.com/?uuid=70AE9B8E-5032-547D-9A01-85512CD98FC3&#038;function=thumbnail&#038;type=preview&#038;source=false&#038;width=600&#038;height=400" />
        <content:encoded><![CDATA[How to pause a heated conversation without abandoning the relationshipSeveral years ago, a commercial featured a soap opera star dressed like a physician, saying, “I’m not a doctor, but I do play one on TV.” He then went on to advocate for a particular brand of cough medicine.Ron PriceFor the past few columns, I have written about “germs” that can infect, sicken, and ultimately destroy relationships. I assure you, I am not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV. I have, however, learned some valuable ways to prevent these germs from infecting your relationships, or to bring about a cure if they have already have. That’s what I plan to write about in the coming weeks.The first germ we looked at is Escalation. As I mentioned previously, I first learned about this and most of the other germs from workshops I attended with PREP, Inc.You likely recognize Escalation because it occurs in just about every relationship at times. You see it when two or more people engage in a conversation that begins to rise in volume and intensity. If allowed to go unchecked, Escalation can quickly devolve into attack and defend, attack and defend, ad nauseam.Again, you have likely engaged in Escalation at some time or times in your life with a co-worker, family member, etc. So long as it is sporadic and not too intense, most relationships can avoid serious or lasting damage. Left untreated, or when it becomes a recurring pattern, Escalation can eventually suck the life out of a relationship and ultimately bury it.My favorite antidote to this germ is to call a timeout the correct way. When a conversation begins to turn ugly, one of the participants is likely going to say “that’s it – time out” and walk away.Did they stop the arguing? Please say yes. But did they stop the argument? Please say no.They called a timeout, but they did it the wrong way. By abruptly leaving a conversation, you leave the other party wondering if you plan to return at any point, or if they are ever going to have a chance to be understood by you on the matter.Escalation often occurs because each person is trying to be understood, and neither is much interested in understanding the other. This results in “shoot ‘n reload” communication, which I’m confident we’ll come back to in a future column.The correct way to call a timeout is to let the other person know it is a temporary pause, and that you are willing to reengage in the conversation at a later point – typically within 24 hours.Please note, this is a timeout, not a cop-out. If another person with whom you have a relationship wants to speak with you, you have the right to say not now. If you care about them or the relationship, you do not have the right to say not ever.Keep in mind, chances are the roles might be reversed at some point, and you will want to speak about a matter or concern that they do not wish to speak about. Therefore, if faced with a difficult or challenging conversation that another requests, you are likely best served by agreeing to engage.You have the right to request using the Speaker-Listener Technique, otherwise known as the LUV Talk, but we’ll come back to that in a future column.In the meantime, please consider the positive impact of rescheduling a conversation until one or both parties are in a proper state to converse effectively. Keep in mind, if you request the timeout, you owe it to the other to assure them they will be heard sooner rather than later. I’m confident this will help limit, if not eliminate, Escalation from your interactions.Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.]]></content:encoded>
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        <link>https://tj.durangoherald.com/when-conflict-turns-into-avoidance/</link>
        <title>When conflict turns into avoidance</title>
        <description>Ron Price Editor’s note: This is the fourth segment of a five-column series. Life is all about relationships. That may seem simplistic to some, but think it through, and I believe you’ll find that what matters most to you involves...</description>
        <pubDate>Fri, 01 May 2026 15:27:00 -0600</pubDate>
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        <content:encoded><![CDATA[Ron PriceEditor’s note: This is the fourth segment of a five-column series.Life is all about relationships. That may seem simplistic to some, but think it through, and I believe you’ll find that what matters most to you involves your relationships with others. I mention this because for the past few columns we have been looking at what can wound and ultimately destroy a relationship. This week we cover the fourth component, or as I have been calling them, “germs.”This fourth germ is avoidance or withdrawal. It typically follows one or more of the previously discussed germs – escalation, negative interpretation or invalidation. Folks get so upset with each other that they can barely communicate in a civil, respectful manner.Sometimes one wants to talk and the other doesn’t, so they do the dance around the kitchen table, or around the conference table, out the door and around the block. That may be an exaggeration, but if you’ve ever been in a situation where you wanted to talk and the other person was trying to get away, you recognize the dance. The same is true if you’re the one seeking refuge and the other is demanding that you talk right now.Since this dance is so common, let’s take a closer look. The ironic part of this dance is that both parties are typically well motivated, but neither believes the other is. The one who wants to talk, often but not always the female, is typically thinking, “Let’s sit down and discuss this so we can fix it and get back to a harmonious relationship.” She, or at times he, is well motivated, as they are seeking to engage in constructive conversation.The one who does not want to talk is typically thinking, “As upset as I am right now, I am likely going to say or do something I will regret.” With this thought in mind, it’s easy to understand that this person is also well motivated in wanting to exit the conversation.So, if each is well motivated, where, you might ask, is the problem? So glad you asked. The person who wants to talk and fix the situation understandably, though inaccurately, perceives the other as not wanting to fix the situation. They perceive the one leaving as rejecting them or the relationship. If the relationship means something to the pursuer, he or she cannot simply let them go.The one wanting to make an exit perceives the pursuer as trying to start trouble, since in their mind they are leaving to avoid trouble. In their mind, they are rejecting the argument rather than the relationship. They likely have every intention of coming back. They simply don’t understand the other’s apparent desire to keep the fire stirred up.Not all of life’s problems come with a quick fix, but this one does. If the one who wants to leave would simply announce their reason for wanting a temporary time-out, along with their willingness to come back and discuss, then the one wanting to talk must let them go. The matter will be discussed, but later, hopefully at a more productive time.The simple ability to call a time-out could save numerous relationships in the workplace and at home. Just remember, this is time-out, not cop-out. Either party is allowed to call a time-out once. Whoever calls it must also schedule the time-in, the time when you will discuss the matter, typically within 24 hours. If you really don’t want to discuss an issue and you repeatedly call time-out, you are being disrespectful to the other and to the relationship.Now I know some of you are thinking, “This sounds good, but we’ve tried talking about certain issues and it’s always a disaster.” Well, that’s likely because you’ve never been able to discuss sensitive issues in a calm, productive manner. Have patience; we’ll get there. Just keep reading.Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.]]></content:encoded>
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        <link>https://tj.durangoherald.com/the-most-dangerous-relationship-germ/</link>
        <title>The most dangerous relationship germ</title>
        <description>Why invalidation cuts so deeply and how to stop the damage</description>
        <pubDate>Thu, 16 Apr 2026 14:38:16 -0600</pubDate>
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        <content:encoded><![CDATA[Ron PriceWhy invalidation cuts so deeply and how to stop the damageEditor’s note: This is the third column in a five-part series.For the past columns, I’ve been writing about germs that can infect and kill off relationships, citing research from PREP Inc. The first two are Escalation, where little things become big things, and Negative Interpretations, where we misread one another and assume the worst.This week, we’ll look at what I consider the worst germ of them all: invalidation.You see invalidation all around you every day. It sends the message, “I don’t think very highly of you,” or “you’re not worth much,” whether through words, tone, looks or actions. It can show up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissive comments or simply ignoring someone altogether. Most of us learn to brush off invalidation from strangers. But when it comes from a family member, coworker or someone close to us, it can cut deeply.Every once in a while, you meet someone who is truly comfortable in their own skin. Even then, I suspect they still experience some negative self-talk. For many of us, that internal voice shows up regularly: “Why did you do that?” “How could you be so careless?” “Can’t you do anything right?”If those thoughts are already running in our heads, the last thing we need is someone close to us confirming them. Even if those thoughts are false, invalidation can make them feel true. And once that happens, it can begin to shape how we see ourselves and how we show up in the relationship.There are many theories about why we struggle with negative self-talk, but one thing is certain: You are not alone. Chances are, your spouse, coworkers, children and friends are dealing with the same challenge, even if they don’t talk about it.My own theory is that it starts early. We try to walk and fall. We try to hold a cup and drop it. Then we go to school, where others quickly point out our mistakes. By the time we reach middle or high school, those messages can become deeply ingrained. Over time, they can become part of the soundtrack in our minds.Dr. Daniel Amen, author of Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, calls these ANTs, or Automatic Negative Thoughts. Most of us have plenty of them. They can be exaggerated, irrational and simply untrue, yet they show up anyway.Amen suggests strengthening the frontal lobe part of our brain so we can challenge those thoughts. We can question them, test them and replace them with something more accurate. They only have the power we choose to give them. But when someone else invalidates us, those thoughts can gain strength. That’s what makes invalidation so damaging. It doesn’t stop at the ears; it hits the heart.So what can you do if invalidation shows up in an important relationship?If you are on the receiving end, try not to take every comment personally. Not everything is about you, even when it feels that way. Sometimes what is said has more to do with the other person’s frustration, stress or insecurity than with you. That doesn’t make it right, but it may help you keep it in perspective.If you recognize that you are on the giving end, this is one habit you simply have to stop. Relationships cannot withstand ongoing invalidation and remain healthy. They just can’t. Even occasional put-downs can erode trust over time.It also helps to remember that we often put others down when we are frustrated with ourselves. We can only criticize ourselves for so long before it spills over onto someone else. It may feel like putting someone else down will lift us, but it never does. In fact, it usually creates more distance and tension.So here’s something to try this week: Look for the good in others. Make it a point to notice what they are doing right, not just what they are doing wrong. Say it out loud. Give genuine appreciation when you see it.Become a consistent validator, and you may find your relationships growing stronger, your conversations becoming more positive and your sandbox a little more enjoyable.Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com or 505-324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.]]></content:encoded>
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        <link>https://tj.durangoherald.com/the-escalation-trap/</link>
        <title>The escalation trap</title>
        <description>How small disagreements grow into big conflicts</description>
        <pubDate>Wed, 25 Mar 2026 20:55:47 -0600</pubDate>
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        <content:encoded><![CDATA[Ron PriceccaHow small disagreements grow into big conflictsEditor’s note: This is the first column in a five-part series.I think it is fair to say that, as a nation, we do not have a very good track record of doing relationships well. While marriage is certainly included in that observation, the problem extends much further. We see similar struggles in families, workplaces, churches and even friendships.So why does this happen? Why do so many relationships that begin with good intentions eventually become strained, distant or even broken? What happens to all those hopes and expectations people have at the beginning?At the risk of being overly simplistic, in many cases, relationships get sick, and the people involved simply do not know the cause or the cure. Sometimes they get so sick that the parties involved begin to believe there is no cure.Researchers at the University of Denver have studied relationships for more than 25 years and identified several patterns that can quietly undermine and eventually destroy them. Relationship expert Gary Smalley reviewed their findings and used a memorable word to describe these patterns. He called them “germs.”Just as germs can weaken the human body if left untreated, these relational germs can weaken and eventually destroy relationships.The first of these germs is called escalation.Escalation occurs when little things become big things. It can start with a simple comment such as, “I didn’t like it when you did that.” The other person responds, “Oh yeah? Well, what about when you did this?” Before long, the conversation has turned into a full-blown battle.Most relationships experience occasional escalation. But if every disagreement turns into World War 7,533, the relationship is clearly in trouble.We see escalation everywhere. It shows up in family arguments, workplace conflicts, road rage and sometimes even in church disagreements. Small issues quickly spiral out of control.Part of the reason this happens has to do with how our brains work. When we become upset, we can quickly shift into the emotional part of our brain known as the limbic system, where our fight, flight or freeze reactions originate.The limbic system reacts quickly and emotionally without the careful reasoning provided by the frontal lobe, the thinking part of our brain. You have probably heard someone say, “I was so mad I couldn’t think straight.” When emotions run high, rational thinking can be temporarily overridden.Psychologist John Gottman refers to this condition as being “flooded.”Some of us remember cars with carburetors. Occasionally, they would get flooded with gas and simply would not start. Pumping the gas or repeatedly turning the key only made the problem worse. The solution was to wait until the excess fuel cleared out.The same principle applies in heated conversations. When one or both people are emotionally flooded, continuing the discussion almost guarantees things will get worse rather than better.Sometimes the best solution is simply to take a break. Wait 20 or 30 minutes and allow emotions to settle before returning to the conversation.It can also be helpful for families, workplaces and other groups to agree on a simple signal that means “time out.” The sports signal of forming a “T” with your hands works well. Others might simply say “time out” or even quote the famous Bob Newhart line, “Just stop it!”The point is not to win the argument. The goal is to prevent escalation before it causes lasting damage.I once heard about an older couple who decided that if they were ever going to argue, they had to do it while naked. As you might imagine, this rule prevented them from arguing in public places. I do not recommend this approach for the workplace, but at home, away from children, it might be surprisingly effective.Animals operate largely on instinct, and humans resemble animals most when we do the same. Escalation is what happens when instinct takes over and reason steps aside.The good news is this: once we recognize escalation for what it is, we are far better equipped to stop it before it damages the relationships that matter most.Ron Price, who has a master’s degree in counseling from the University of New Mexico, is author of the “Play Nice in Your Sandbox” book series and creator of the CPR Mastery video course. He is available for workshops and staff training. Contact Ron at ron@ronprice.com and (505) 324-6328. Learn more at ronprice.com.]]></content:encoded>
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